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Sunday, February 6, 2011

My Blog has moved!

New Blog Location

I will most likely no longer be updating the blog via this website.  I have changed the location of my blog to a tumblr account. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Sex and the New Year

The New Year

So I know its been a while since I've posted an update.  Ive wanted to but have been putting it off.  Ive made excuses to myself like I wasnt in the mood or I was too tired.  But these posts have to happen.  I need to have this because while the days may be dull life can still hit hard.  And when you're a loner like me you need all the outlet you can get.  Spending my few precious days/hours of not working I end up spending by myself indoors. 



I often find myself complaining that I'm lonley or that I never meet any new people but at the same token I'm not helping myself by being inside secluded all the time.  I'm living too much of life inwardly.  I think I've taken to this out of habbit.  I do it because I get less hurt in life that way.  But much like the junk food I turn to in order to make myself feel better it only hurts me more in the long run. 



I know a lot of you are wondering what happend between me and my ex.  Well we had a pretty big blow up as she herself and others close to her happen to read the blog.  While I'll never appologize for what I have to say here I did feel bad that people were hurt in the process.  So I had agreed to keep her out of my writings and so I shall.  We've taken some time apart and its helped clear my head and heart.  Funny how time can be a good healer like that.  I don't think time heals all but it certainly helps you better live with things.


So this is my newest post for the new year.  I don't really like the idea of new years resolutions because they tend to have a high failure rate.  Peoples motivation for change needs to come from a more personal and better place then hey its a new year.  I think you have to want the change more then that.   I mention this because there are things in my life I want to change right now.  One being my job.  I like certain people at my job and others not so much.  My job isnt the worst in the world but I've grown tired and my satisfactory has gone down.  Maybe its my motivation or maybe its my cynacism thats getting the best of me.  But as a result my job performance has gone down and they've taken notice.  How do you describe such personal feelings to your boss.  I mean I suppose its unacceptable that your private and personal life should have no effect on job but it does.  But I can't really tell them hey I'm sorry I'm sucking at work cause I'm going through shit,  I mean hell we all are.  Its just a matter of who knows and who shows.  Funny because with my last job it was totally the opposite.  I was able to connect with people there.  Let them in on my life.  I felt connected to them and still do.  At my old job my co-workers werent just people I shared a job with but they became my friends, they became my extended family.  Hell I certainly saw them more then my own family.  But I don't have that kind of relationship at the current job.  Maybe because its the design of the company to be self serving I don't know.  Its not a bad company nor is it a bad job it just seems I've grown tired of it.  They're trying to convince me to stay so its just a matter of for how long.  I know its only temporary but hell I said that about my last job and I stayed there for 6 years.  So I'm looking for opportunities right now.  I guess I'll try my damnedest to hang in there the best I can for now.



Sex

And the reason I'm sure you are all here is for the aforemention of the blog topic of sex.  Sorry you had to wait a while to get to it.  My original intention was to just write about it but I felt I had needed to get the things mentioned above off my chest first before we could move on.

So yea SEX woooo.  We all like sex right?  God our society is fueled by it.  We love it, we censor it, we do it, we talk about it, we expose it, we sell it,   But I'm not here to take a purely sociological  perspective on it.  No I'm here to address my opinions and thoughts on it.  But before I get started I just want to lay down the ground rules.  When I mention sex here in my opinion that strictly means vaginal penetration.  I don't include anal, oral, etc.  I mean yea when you have sex you can also do those things but when I mention simply the word sex its simply vaginal penetration.  And if you're still reading congrats on at least being open -minded enough to move past my readped blunt words.  I allude to nothing when it comes to this.  Like I said in the begging of my blog I hope for this to be as uncensored as possible except for names.  But the reason I bring up sex is because its been on my mind lately.  No, not in the usual I'm horny and wanna have some kinda way but my own personal moral opinion of it and its personal treatment of it.  Sex is great.  I certainly don't judge people who have it alot or those who don't.  I was brought up that it was something to be saved for marriage.  Just like religion its something I just believed in because I was raised that way.  But as I grew up and started creating my own judgments in life and creating my own set of moral conduct to live by and value eventually sex came into question.  It first did in high school.

I will be the first to say that I was pretty straight edge and innocent in high school.  Thinking I was more mature then I was seems to be a fairly cliche stereotype but it stayed true for me.  While I had experienced more hardship then most of the kids I new at that age I still acted and lived in a less then mature way.  I however did seem to date alot in high school.  Nothing seemed to last very long and all intimacy stayed PG-13.  I was a virgin in high school and I didn't care that I was.  I didn't view it as a bad thing nor a positive.  But when things got serious with a girlfriend in my senior year of high school and she wanted to have sex questions kept swirling around in my head.  First of all my girlfriend at the time wasn't a virgin at all.  In fact she was quite experienced.  She didn't really care that I didn't but when I didn't just outright say yes she was a tad shocked.  Being the beautiful girl she was (don't know how I managed it) she didn't ever have someone refuse when she offered or suggested.  While first mildly offended she later became impressed.  I had told her that I had wanted to wait.  I didnt know if that meant marriage or till it "felt right" but thats what I told her.  She while physically a little miffed was happier in the long run having a boyfriend who wasn't just all about the sex. Again this isnt to say we didnt do other things.  Hitting the bases held us content.  Well as all things come to to an end so didn our relationship.  We had broken up right before prom but still went with each other as good friends.  Theres more to this story with this girlfriend but thats for another blog.

Onto college where I would soon lose my V-card.  While it seems that college is a late time apparently by todays standards to lose your virginity most people I know did lose it at college.  College created a new social dynamic and aptmosphere that allowed people to get to know their friends in ways you could never know in highschool.  I mean hell you go from living with your parents to living with your friends.  And my freshman year girlfriend was perfect in my eyes.  She was beautiful, smart, funny, caring and was in the same circle of friends I had.  While I would later find out none of those things were to be true I was blinded by my rose colored glasses.  Again my freshman year girlfriend was not a virgin.  We had actually started hooking up and making out before we officially started to date.  We sorta fell into feeling for each other.  Which almost never happens.  Usually when something is strictly sexual one person ends up getting hurt.  But we started dating and things went fast.  Faster then the should of gone.  We luckily lived in the dame dorm building on with two floors.  Girls on the bottom and guys on the top floor.  This being freshman year all of my friends came from that dorm, so we all sorta lived together.  Her and I would stay over nights in each others room and rarely slept apart.  While the making out, mutual masturbation , and oral sex was working great it soon became not enough.  The freshman year girlfriend needed more.  And so we delved into some more of the kinkier side of sex for me, the addition of toys.  A realm in which I was not familiar with but was slowly learning.  She was already a fan.  While they didnt do much for me seeing her turned on by them made me want to jump in and test the water.  Hell one of my biggest turn-ons is having and seeing and feeling my partner turned on.  So we started off with simple stuff like handcuffs and a dildo for her.  But she had a slightly small problem.  She was a screamer.  And if anyone who has experianced dorm life knows, fucking walls are thin and people can hear your business all around you.  So enter the ball gag.  Solved our problems.  More of a solution then say a turn on although she didnt think she would like it and then ended up loving it.

But all the while I kept telling her I wanted to wait.  She understood but it was apparent that she was impatient about the whole process.  But eventually I took a step back.  I had said to myself I love this girl.  We're in college and experiancing each other and we're the best of friends.  We have 3 years left of potentiall and this was the longest relationship I had had.  This was the time.  It did feel right.  If not when in love then when?  And so I told my freshman year girlfriend that I was ready.  Later that night I had set up a candle lit room and she took my V-card.  And so it got added to our routine as a couple.  However what I did not see coming was a horrible ugly heart shattering break up.  My freshman year girlfried ended up cheating on me and called to tell me she did and that she was breaking up with me because she was getting back together with her ex-boyfriend( who was physcially and mentally abusive mind you) and getting engaged to him.  The kicker being he wasnt even the one she cheated on me with.  From day 1 I had explained to her how much giving my virginity up meant not only to me but that I was giving it to her.  She didn't seem to care.  Eventually she switched colleges to go to the same one as her new fiance and she left me and all her friends stunned.  I didnt know that kind of hurt untill then.  I didnt realize how much anger and frustration and saddness I would be left with.  I mean I would of been distraught had it been a normal break up but the sex sorta intensified all the emotions.  It made all the wounds that much deeper which I didnt expect. 

Time passed on and into sophmore year I went on to a new girlfriend.  I fell into the same trap as before.  She wasnt a virgin but we were each others second sex partner and it felt like we were at least on common ground.  We started havinf sex earlier into the relationship then my freshman year reltionshp.  We dated for all that year and into Junior year.  While the 1st year gf was a surprise to alot of people the end of my 2nd and 3rd year gf seemed apparently pretty obvious.  We fought alot.  I shouldnt of been with her in the first place but it was just nice to have someone.  Even if they werent the best just having her helped me feel secure and wanted for sex and just for regular comfort.  She ended up lying to me about having sex with someone else and she just treated me like shit.  I felt somehow I deserved it.  I guess it was only reinforced by my low self esteem.  But then we finally broke it off although we both wanted it, I needed it.

And onto my last gf.  I'll keep it short.  I had wanted to wait this time.  I had been burned before and not only was I scared but I just had walls built around me from scarring.  I wanted to be sure this time.  I knew I was in love this time there was no doubt but I wanted to wait just to be sure.  As fate would have it as soon as I let her know I was ready before we get a chance to we break up.  I'm keeping vague on details on purpose but there was drama, family involved, lies, etc.  We ended up going off and on since then and most recently over the past summer.  While we had good and bad times I knew it was someone I wouldnt regret giving myself to.  So we had sex but almost as soon as we did things went south once again.



So why did I just chronicle my sexual history for you just now?  I felt its easier for you to see where I'm coming from.  Maybe I just have a too romantic fantasized idealism of sex.  Maybe my problem is that I associate sex with love when maybe I shouldn't. After all its an animalistic urge built into our carnal and instinctual chemical make-up.  Its something as a society have associated with marriage, love, and family.  Maybe I'm just a prude.  But when I say that I look at people who "save" themselves for marriage and I don't think of them as prudes I usually commend them on their strong commitment to their morals.  While I think of people who have sex all the time and with many people as independent and brave for not really caring about societal norms and for taking their moral approach to it.  I value each side and their reasoning.  But for me its seemed to of cause me more headache then pleasure in the long run.  Maybe if I stopped caring about the "right" time and focused on appreciating intimacy for what it is, when it happens I might not have such big implications.  And then again maybe I'm over-thinking sex like I tend to do with most of my life.  But I can be sure of is sex changes you.  It changes how you view a person and your relationship with them, for better or worse weather people are willing to admit it or not.  So that's my rant on sex.  I could write more but I think this is a good place to stop.  Please if you have opinions or comments please feel free to post.  I'd love to carry a dialogue with any of you.


P.S

Sorry for the lack of post frequency.  Hope to write more and continue!!  Thanks for reading guys!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Quick update

If there is one regret I have, it's losing a friend. I never intended to be mean or cruel. I just wanted that to be said. Maybe in time you'll understand.



- Posted from iPhone

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mr. Nice Guy




So I have a lot to talk about in this particular entry. I'll start with the future and end with the past. Makes no sense but neither does life.

FUTURE:

As I mentioned earlier in my entries I am dreading this weekend. My dad is forcing me to go visit my extended family in NJ. And by forcing me I mean he is guilt tripping me into the whole visit. he's built the family into a collective who he says dont even think I'm part of the family because I dont care about them and never see them. Says my grandmother is depressed and cant understand why I wont see her. I barely have time to even see my own parents or time to myself so making a trip to NJ on my work schedule even on holidays is hard. In addition I hate my extedned family. Not that they arent nice or anything but everytime I visit everything seems so fake. We pretend we know each other when I havent had a single intamite or honest moment with any of them. They dont even know my interests. Holidays is just fake smiles for the sake of facetime. We only spend time together because thats what you're supposed to do with family. I dont speak for all families thats just mine. My parents while not horrible are not the best either. The ideal family is something of a foreign concept for me to grasp or a fantasy that I'll never be able to have.

So my father is guilting me into the entire trip. My therapist and roomate say I shouldnt go. The last time I did which was Christmas two years ago I had my first major panic attack it was that bad. I couldnt breathe and I was shaking, stuttering and finished up with a puke session. Not the reaction most think of when family time is mentioned. But I know letting my guilt control me isnt a positive thing either. Somehow even knowing that my dad isnt a good person I still care what he thinks about me. I know its not the right way to view things but its something I'm trying to break away from. So for the sake and fear of my dad attempting to disown me for not going I think I will go. But thats it I'm not gonaa bend over what I want to do for the sake of pleasing him anymore after this. I need to be my own self. I need to live my life and not censor who I am for the sake of keeping a good relationship because it would be a fake one. Maybe easier in the short term but kills me in the long living a lie. So thats my stressor going into the weekend. In a time where people are supposed to be happy it sucks that I wont be. I guess its just seasonal affectant disorder or soemthing dunno. So now lemme move onto the past and wrap it all up with my announcement and explanation.


PAST:

This past weekend was also a bit crazy. Going into the weekend I already knew things were gonna be drama filled but I didnt realize how much they would of be. I studpidly agreed to go to to a strip club with my ex and some of her friends. I certainly didnt mind going to the strip club but I was more there in a supportive role and hosting the prepping and sleeping at my apartment. The hanging out with people even if they were younger was nice. I like being social but I hardly am anymore these days. It sorta reminded me of the college days and I liked that. Well in order to get ready for the kind of atmosphere of the strip club my ex got into a skimpy outfit. While I usually dont like slutty outfits too much it just accentuated all her features and made my heart beat just a little harder and faster all night. The strip club was ok nothing really that out of the ordinary. My ex sat next to me and we exchanged small touches through the night a stroke of the leg, an arm around, and even holding hands. While this may not seem like a lot its something not all friends do. When I held her hand my fingers intertwined with her like they were made to fit together interlocked just brought back all these feelings I shouldn't of felt....feelings I didn't want to feel. So the night went on with nothing else of much interest except the funniest moment came when one of the guys in the group we went with got titties rubbed in his face by one of the stippers. He ended up getting titty slapped so hard he got a nosebleed. That provided quite the laugh for the night. We stayed there for a while and finally got back to the apartment round midnight.


Not to let the fun end the remaining group consisting of my ex and her best friend and one other guy and of course me. The night was young in our eyes and there was alcohol to be had. So to inspire drinking and fun it was immediately decided to play Kings. Well we got liquored up pretty fast and the girls ended up losing clothes. Not at all uncommon with Kings. Then I had finally gotten a King and had the dumb idea of adding the rule that whoever drinks gets to ask someone else a Truth question. Which really resulted in me asking my Ex questions I should had prolly left unanswered and left in the dark. I asked questions like who was your best bf in hopes that I would somehow be at the top. I didnt end up being number one. While not surprised kinda felt like a lump in my throat that I didnt want to tell her she was mine. I wasnt her favorite bf, I wasnt her most sexually exciting romance.... I was just another guy. I at least had the satisfaction of knowing she didnt cheat on me but that left me wondering other things.


Well the drinking continued and what we didnt realize was how much my ex was drinking. And when we did it was too late. She had drank almost a 1/4 of a huge thing of vodka in a small amount of time. We started to see danger signs and things went from light hearted fun to serious quick. She was showing signs of confusion and and started to not be able to even sit up. She was going into shock and almost into bouts of seizures. We had to call poison control when we started to realize this was just beyond feeling drunk bad. Her skin had a pale color and her eyes would roll into the back of her head and she was shivering. When we called the poison control number they said she was indeed suffering from alcohol poisoning and if we didn't get her puking right then and there wed have to take her to the hospital. Her best friend had to stick her own fingers down my exs throat just to get her to puke. We had to shove bread and water down her throat for the next 3 hours. We had to keep her concious and willing to fight to be ok. Seeing her tears made my heart break knowing she was feeling pain and afraid of possibly dying/ going to the hospital. Well we got her through the night untill the it processed into her bloodstream and around 5 in the morning she was able to regain control. And after all the stress of the night we all promptly colapsed untill morning. We all awoke and said our goodbyes before my ex cleaned up a little before I told her not to. Drove her to get some food and droped her off back home safely.

After that weekend past things began to set in. The reality of what happend and what could of happend begam to shake me. Not only could she of died that night or get seriously ill I could of gone to jail. My alcohol, my house, my watch. Even my roomate who was an innocent party who I thought was asleep upstairs the whole night (just ended up not sleeping cause of our noise) could of been held responsible. This is my second time that I had the risk of going to jail in relation to my ex. She had throughout the night kept saying she was sorry but she didnt need to. I did it because I was her friend. Thats what good friends do. But I never really got a thank you for what I did. I certainly wasnt looking for one but it would of been nice to be recognized for what I done and the risky position she put me in. I was more then happy to help her the best way I could. But that was exactly the problem. I keep bending over backward to be the best friend possible to her. Doing things for her, being that support no matter what the topic even if it was help with her current boyfriend. I kept my personal feelings out of it supporting her and the relationship even if it hurt just hearing how happy she was wihtout me. And it was my fault. I set myself up with a delusion. I thought if I could be the most amazing and supportive and nice friend that maybe she could realize I was good enough to get back together with. But that never happend....it never will happen. She will never see what I do for her or what I sacrifice to be there for her. I dont do these things soley out of hope. I really do want to be her friend but it was that fantasy that I still had some hidden chance that pushed me to be to go the extra miles I shouldnt of. She will never appreciate it in the way I had hoped. She would just use me for my kindness albiet not intentionally and I would suffer while she indulged in my acts of kindness. I while selflessness in intent created the self destructive behavior. I felt compeeled to not give up because she was the last person that loved me and that I loved. The fear of not finding someone like that again held me captive and its why I havent been able to tear myself away from her. My fear that nobody could like or love me like that again. I've given everything to her and I walk away broken and alone. This all stems from poor self image only re-enforced by my parents treatment of me.

And so I come to my annoucement. I've realized Ive been overly nice to too many people in my life and I've been used and taken advantage of because of it. I do it because too often then not its so people will like me and I want to be better then what I think I am. I feel that if Im nice poeple will like me because theres not much to like if I dont. Controlled by guilt from my father's pressure of my family not consideing me to be part of the family because I supposedly dont appreciate them. My ex in all the hardwork of trying to be everything to her while in the end if she did recognize and truly appreciate it she would still be with me. But in the end all I get is heartache. I dont't expect to be rewarded for being a good person but no longer will I be stepped on because of it. So I've decided to stop being nice. now this doesnt mean I'm gonna bean asshole or something. Its just I need to adjust my behaviour and attitude for a litle while untill I feel more stable with myself. So no more will I be the nice guy who finishes last in life. I felt you all should know why I am doing this because I dont want people to be offended and/or shocked because the change in behavior might be jarring because of the way I've acted in the past. I hope nobody takes offense in this but it needs to be done. So no more Mr.NiceGuy. I will hope to be someone who can hold their own and not sacrifice my own needs for the sake of heping others. I hope you can all understand.





So that wraps up this blog. I kno its kinda long and I apologize if it was a little much or boring but it was needed. Untill next time thanks for reading.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

the honest truth

So this might be my final blog entry.  I realize this is sudden and the blog hasnt even lived longer then a couple of weeks but Ive come to realize a few things.  This blog and my writing show a very accurate depiction of me.  Going back and reading these entries I am able to look into the mirror.  And that is where the problem is.  I see myself as a depressed damaged pessimistic loner and I dont know if thats the kind of image I should be broadcasting to the world.  Its pretty much breaking down all my walls and showing my flwas and hurt for the world to see how weak I am and how pathetically sad I am.


I take partial responsibility for this.  For those of you who don't know I have a mental illness.  I have been diagnosed with major depression disorder.  I go to therapy and take medication for it.  I tell you this because it is who I am.  I don't try to define myself by my condition but it is a cloud that always hangs over me.  I don't claim to be unhappy 100% of the time in my life nor do I claim any greater tragedy that anyone else.  But for the majority of the time I feel deep despair pain and suffering.  This is who I am and what I've become.  I dont want to identify with this but it seems to control my actions and guide my behavior more then I'd like it to.  Nobody likes talk to or hanging out with the "depressed guy".  Its a pain and it takes work just to try and communicate with that person, I know because I've tried with others who act the same.  And so with this blog when I tend to open up and be honest I see the real me which scares me. 

I don't like who I am or what I've become.  I'm a victim of my condition and it eats me alive everyday.  I've lost my self respect, my love for life, my confidence, and even at one point my will to live.  My depression is something I seem to see as my identity and I hate that.  I know I have control on how I identify who I am but I see it in the eyes of the people I know and in my own.  I am that depressed guy.  People are sick and tired of it.  And I am too.  I was so sick that back in the start of the year i saw no way out.  I accepted my fate of a life with no reward for all my suffering.  And so I planned to take my life to end everything.  I methodically planned out every detail.  Nobody knew what I was doing and had 100% control and spent the days leading up to it accepting what I was going to do.  When the time finally came I had my suicide letter written out and contact information for parents in my pocket.  I ended up on the rooftop of a 13 story building on the very edge with a gun placed up against my temple.  Nobody saw me and nobody stopped me.  Im sure by now the people reading this are thinking I'm stupid for posting this in a public place or wondering on how to even respond to something like this.  Most people don't know how to deal or even accept suicide.  But thats the truth.  Pure and simple I wanted to die and had taken measures to ensure I could make that come to fruition. 


Obviously Im still here and writing this so it didn't happen.  No I wasn't stopped and no I didn't chicken out and no it didnt fail.  I stopped myself at the last second.  I didn't attempt suicide for attention, I didn't do it as a cry for help, I didn't do it because I was mad at someone.  I did it because I felt so alone and awful that ending my life was the salvation to stopping the pain.  I know most can't comprehend what would draw a person to do that but I did what I did because that was my solution.  My first stepfather shot himself.  I remember what that felt like.  The pain it caused and the sense of responsibility I felt for it.  I blamed myself.  But in the end it was his choice and I had no effect on it at all.  Thats what at least everyone told me.  That made me only feel worse because I wasn't worth him staying alive for.  The ripple effect suicide has is worse then any other kind of death. 

So I write to you, whoever seems to be reading these, to tell you who I am.  This is who I am and what I was.  My life has been a battle and is every day.  Call me selfish or too self obsessed or someone who can't just suck it up.  But this IS my life and what I feel and experience whether I want to or not.  I've felt this way for too long and have been hurt too many times and something has to give soon.  Something needs to change and it needs to happen soon.  I cant handle this any more.  I don't know whats going to happen but i feel like I've expunged all my options.  I feel compelled to end this blog because I don't like what I see in me.  Its a self hate that rips me up inside.  Not being able to move on from a past love because I'm scared that nobody could or would feel like that for me ever again.  I need to do something.....anything at any cost to change.  I cannot survive like this anymore.




So this is me.  I can't do it anymore and I will fight my way through.    Take it or leave it that is the honest truth.